Sometimes, it does happen that you are not at all clear about your thoughts. You are so much messed up. Not angry, not happy, not even sad but not sure what that feeling is exactly. It is not definitely depression. It is something else. Even the very great psychologists says, it is difficult to understand a human brain.
I have started messing up with my mind and life from my early days. I am from a very middle class family and had almost all the problems which a middle class family can have. A drinking father,daily fights between husband and wife, a mother who take out the anger of her husband on her children, parents pressurizing their kid to be a topper even in such circumstances, elder sibling being kept at grandmother's place at native. So, technically no one to give an emotional support.
Got into my first relationship during school times. It anyways didn't work as after playing with my heart he married my elder sister. Got into second relationship who came as a savior from my earlier grief, who was also the friend of my now so-called brother-in-law. As there was no one to support me and was unknowingly looking for someone to lend me shoulder and show me some care, me and second boyfriend got together very well that to very soon. We shared our happiness, sorrow, excitement, curiosity, feelings, craziness, body, soul, in fact everything. During those days, I used to think that he is my end story and he is my soulmate. We were for each other every time. We together convinced our family as well so that we can be together for lifetime. We were planning to tie our knot next year once he was back from UAE as he was working there.
People do say that long distance relationship sucks. But ours? We got more close to each other when we were far from each other. May be that's what I thought. But this time when he came for vacation, he confessed that he is with some other girl and his family too agrees for that. Ohh, he didn't say that. I find that out. I was so broken that it took me few months to recover from that trauma. There after, life was never the same as before.
Once I was out from college there were so many confusions about life. What to study further? Where to work? What I want to do in life? What I want to be in Life? No one to show me a way or give me guidance. Not even my family bothered to support me. By working in different field, I completed studies on my own. You can say,I got a cheaper degree yet a good one which I can get at that point of time as I was not earning much. I never wanted to give up on my studies as my dreams were bigger even though no one were supporting me at the moment. I got ahead with what I have and what I achieved even in those bad circumstances.
Now when people ask me, Who is the fallback for you in your family? Who is your role model? Who is your motivator? How you did all these? Well, I really don't know. Somehow I did. Somehow I gathered courage at each point of my life and somehow I reached here.
May be because of all my early life emotional clashes, my mind have now got habituated to get mess and it cannot think simple or straight any more. Or is that you all call as overthinking? No one knows that my mind is still messed up. I still cry inside me, I still look for a support, I still look for love. For sure, I am not looking for anyone who can give me a financial support as now I am enough capable of earning for myself. I just need someone who can help me emotionally. I think that I am holding up on my weight for too long and as each day passes, I become more weak. Still living on a hope thinking that I will get through this time as well, as I always did.
P.S. - Still never forgets to read the inspirational article or books or quotes which great writers have written.
- A story told to me by a messed up girl.
